Am I Ready to Continue Writing My Novel?

Roughly a year ago, I wrote a couple of posts about why I decided to stop writing the novel I’d been working on for over a decade: Leaving the Novel in Progress (Part 1) and Leaving the Novel in Progress (Part 2).

I needed to focus on my mental and physical health, neither of which were great at the time. I also needed to re-evaluate my reasons for writing the NIP, and for wanting to be a writer in general.

Being physically disabled and neurodivergent means that much of the advice writers usually give each other doesn’t work for me. I can’t have a daily writing schedule because of episodic pain. Sensory overload from crowded, noisy places like malls leave me too tired to focus. Then there’s my financial situation: I’m secure because I’m supported by my family, but in order to move out, I’d need to work more. Working more means less free time and potentially more physical pain, depending on the job.

Yes, I could take more painkillers, but they aren’t always effective. Yes, I could type using dictation software, but it’s actually hard to write and listen to your own voice at the same time. Plus, having to correct the mistakes the software makes means I end up typing a bit anyway. And why does the it turn itself off just because I haven’t said anything in the last 20 seconds? I’m inventing a fictional world, Windows – I need time to think!

Last year, I took time to think. And I came to a few conclusions.

1. There can be no self-acceptance without self-understanding. If I hadn’t learned what autistic burnout is, for instance, I would still feel a lot of self-disgust at every meltdown or shutdown.

2. Once I understand something, I can work with it instead of against it. I can plan breaks, explain my needs to others, and rely on my passions (special interests) to cheer me up when I need a boost.

3. Rest isn’t a reward, it’s a responsibility. And everyone, disabled or not, deserves rest.

4. Health and healing aren’t linear – the energy and motivation to create won’t always be there.

I don’t expect writing to suddenly become easy. Even if I could make my internalised ableism and the systemic barriers of our societies disappear, I’d still have to pace myself to avoid flare-ups of pain. But eventually, I’ll get better at the balancing act, and one day the NIP will be an FN (finished novel).

I have a number of disabled creators and advocates to thank for helping me on my journey. Check out the links I’ve included below for some of their amazing work.

Watch Chronic Pain/Illness: When to push and when to rest [CC] – Annie Elainey

Listen to Meltdowns and shutdowns – 1800 Seconds on Autism

Watch Are You Better Yet…? [CC] – Jessica Kellgren-Fozard

So, what am I doing now?

At present I’m just trying to endure the weather in a house with no air conditioner. We have a hot, smoky summer ahead here in southern Ontario. To make myself feel less helpless about this, I indulged in retail therapy. We now have several native plants in our garden.

My main internal debate is whether or not I should get a second job. I can probably manage it, as long as I pace myself. Hopefully I can find a position that doesn’t have high expectations for low pay. Guess I’ll have to re-learn networking…

I’m also slowly getting ready to move out and live abroad for a year or more. It’s an expensive, complicated process, but in this case I do have a network of family and friends who can help.

Otherwise, I create when I can. A stitch here, a scribble there.

In June, I sat down and finished chapter thirteen of my novel.

A week later, I started chapter fourteen.

And I’ll keep going.